Fantastic Awesome Joke Thread

[Blocker]

THE GYNAECOLOGIST WHO BECAME A MECHANIC

A gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill. When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the Instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result, but I wonder if there is an error in the grade?"

"The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."

After a pause, the instructor added, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did it all through the exhaust, which I've never seen done in my entire career".



The Female/Male Thing

He said: I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it
She said: You wear pants don't you?

He said: Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said: Thats a great idea. You stand by the ironing board while i sit on the sofa

He said: What have you been doing with all the grocery money i gave you?
She said: Turn sideways

[ozbox]

>
> The value of a Catholic education and a #2 pencil.
>
> Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she
> slept through the class.
>
> One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
>
> 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
>
> When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind
> her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
>
> 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie.
>
> The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class..
>
> A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
>
> But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her
> rescue and stuck her in the butt.
>
> 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
>
> And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
>
> The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she
> had her twenty-third child?'
>
> Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted,
> 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
>
> The nun fainted.
.................................................. .................................................. ..........



A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he's sending a friend
over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, 'How will I recognize him?'
'That's easy; he's a dwarf with a speech impediment.'
So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he's looking for a male or
female horse.
'A female horth.'
So he shows him a prized filly.
'Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?'
So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse's eyes the once over.
'Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?'
So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse's ears.
'Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?'
The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up
again and shows him the horse's mouth.
'Nice mouf, can I see her twat?'
Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the
dwarf's head up the horse's fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the
ground.
The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.
'Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?
.................................................. .................................................. ....................

My Dog

Went down to the Centrelink Office this morning to sign on my Dog.

The woman said, "Dogs are not eligible to draw benefits".

I explained to her that my Dog is black, unemployed, idle, can't speak English and has no clue who his dad is. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.

He gets his first cheque on Friday.

This is a great country.
.................................................. ..................


Never Lose Your Grandson!

A heartwarming story.

When my small grandson got lost at the mall,

He approached a uniformed security guard and

said, "I've lost my grandpa!"

The guard asked, "What's he like?"

The little tyke hesitated for a moment and then replied,

"Jack Daniels and women with big tits."
.................................................. .......................................


Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck
up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said,
" So why are you here ? "

The Black Lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the
sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I
pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, " So what’s the vet going to do ? "

" Gonna cut my nuts off " came the reply from the Black Lab.
"They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked " why are you here ? "

The Black Lab said, " I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and
trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets.
But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my
owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the Yellow Lab inquired.

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here ? "

" I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a
pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I
see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to
dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and
started hammering away."

The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said,
" So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The Great Dane said, " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped ! "

.................................................. .................................................. ......................
COINCIDENCE
A chicken farmer went to a local bar.... Sat next to a woman and

ordered a glass of champagne...

The woman perks up and says, 'How about that? I just ordered a

glass of champagne, too!'

'What a coincidence' the farmer says. 'This is a special day for

me.... I am celebrating'

'This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating!' says the woman.

'What a coincidence!' says the farmer! As they clinked glasses the

man asked, 'What are you celebrating?'

'My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my

gynaecologist told me that I am pregnant!'

'What a coincidence,' says the man. 'I'm a chicken farmer and for years

all of my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying fertilized eggs.'

'That's great!' says the woman. 'How did your chickens become fertile?'

'I used a different cock,' he replied.

The woman smiled and said, 'What a coincidence.'
.................................................. .................................................. .......
Fluck

An Asian woman goes in to her local NAB Branch and begins exchanging
her money. After the transaction is complete she asks the teller 'Why it change? Yesterday I get two hunat dollar for my money, today I only get hunat eighty?'
The teller looked over his glasses and says very slowly....
'fluctuations'.
The Asian woman narrows her eyes and says 'fluc you Aussies too'
.................................................. .................................................. ......









REMEMBER WHEN:


All the girls had ugly gym slips



It took five minutes for the TV to warm up

Nearly everyone's Mum was home when the kids got home from school

Nobody owned a purebred dog


You'd reach into a muddy gutter for a penny


Your Mother wore nylons that came in two pieces



All male teachers wore ties and female teachers had their hair done every day and wore high heels



You got your windscreen cleaned, oil checked and petrol served, without asking, all for free, every time..



It was considered a great privilege to be taken out to dinner at a real restaurant with your parents


They threatened to keep children back a year if they failed the school year. . . And they did!


When a Ford Zephyr was everyone's dream car...
And people went steady

No one ever asked where the car keys were because they were always in the car, in the ignition, and the doors were never locked


Spinning around, getting dizzy and falling down was cause for giggles?


Playing cricket with no adults to help the children with the rules of the game


Bottles came from the corner shop without safety caps and hermetic seals because no one had yet tried to poison a perfect stranger


And with all our progress, don't you wish, just once, you could slip back in time and savour the slower pace, and share it with the children of today?


When being sent to the headmasters office was nothing compared to the fate that awaited you at home


Basically we were in fear for our lives, but it wasn't because of drive-by shootings, drugs, gangs etc. Our parents and grandparents were a much bigger threat! But we survived because their love was greater than the threat.
As well as summers filled with bike rides, cricket, Hula Hoops, skating and visits to the pool, eating lemonade powder or liquorice sticks.

Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, 'Yes, I remember that'?






How Many Of These Do You Remember?
Coca Cola in bottles.


Blackjacks and bubble gums.


Home milk delivery in glass bottles with tinfoil tops


Hi-If's & 45 RPM records.


78 RPM records!


Adding Machines.


Scalextric.


Do You Remember a Time When..
Decisions were made by going 'Eeny-meeny-miney-moe'?
'Race issue' meant arguing about who ran the fastest?
Catching tadpoles could happily occupy an entire day?


It wasn't odd to have two or three 'Best Friends'?

The worst thing you could catch from the opposite sex was 'chickenpox'?


Having a Weapon in School meant being caught with a slingshot ?


War was a card game?


Cigarette cards in the spokes transformed any bike into a motorcycle?


Taking drugs meant orange - flavoured chewable aspirin?


Water balloons were the ultimate weapon?

If you can remember most or all of these, Then You Have Lived!!!!!!!

[ozbox]

> >> Subject: Sat. Humour
> >>
> >> You have two choices in life:
> >> You can stay single and be miserable,
> >> Or get married and wish you were dead..
> >>
> >> __________
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
> >> 'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
> >> 'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man..'
> >> __________
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >>
> >> A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
> >> 'Husband Wanted'.
> >> Next day she received a hundred letters.
> >> They all said the same thing:
> >> 'You can have mine.'
> >> __________
> >>
> >> A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished .
> >> __________
> >>
> >> A little boy asked his father,
> >> 'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
> >> Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
> >> __________
> >>
> >> A young son asked,
> >> 'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
> >> A man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
> >> Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
> >> __________
> >>
> >>
> >> Then there was a woman who said,
> >> 'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
> >> And by then, it was too late.'
> >> __________
> >>
> >>
> >> Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
> >> __________
> >>
> >> If you want your spouse to listen and
> >> Pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
> >> __________
> >>
> >>
> >> Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life
> >> thinking they had no faults at all.
> >> __________
> >>
> >> First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
> >> Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
> >> __________
> >>
> >> AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
> >>
> >>
> >> Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.
> >> A blind man joins them after a few minutes.
> >> When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and
> >> Only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
> >> So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.
> >> After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of
> >> the blind man
> >> As he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him,
> >> 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?
> >> That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
> >> The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,
> >> We'd be riding the bus, so shut the hell up.'

No virus found in this incoming message.
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[skid]

Alzheimer's Test

How fast can you guess these words?

1. BOO_S
2. _ _NDOM
3. F_ _K
4. P_N_S
5. PU_S_
6. S_X
































Answers:
1. BOOKS
2. RANDOM
3. FORK
4. PANTS
5. PULSE
6. SIX

You got all 6 wrong....didn' t you?

You do NOT have an Alzhemier Problem.

you have a Sex Problem ... !!!

[ozbox]

i got number 2 right...

[ozbox]

The Day the Penis asked for a Raise




I, the
Penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the following reasons:

I do physical labor.

I work at great depths.

I plunge headfirst into everything I do.

I do not get weekends or public holidays off.

I work in a damp environment.

I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation.

I work in high temperatures.

My work exposes me to contagious diseases.

Sincerely,

P. Niss



The Response





Dear Penis:

After assessing your request, and considering the arguments you have
raised, the administration rejects your request for the following
reasons:

You do not work 8 hours straight.

You fall asleep after brief work periods.

You do not always follow the orders of the management team. You do
not stay in your designated area and are often seen visiting other
locations.

You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and stimulated in
order to start working.

You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your shift.

You don't always observe necessary safety regulations, such as wearing
the

Correct protective clothing.

You will retire well before you are 65.

You are unable to work double shifts.

You sometimes leave your designated work area before you have completed
the assigned task ..

And if that were not all, you have been seen constantly entering and
exiting the workplace carrying two suspicious-looking bags.

Sincerely,


V. Gina

[Absinth]

Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai. He buys a small piece of land near to Mt Isa. A few
days after moving in the friendly Aussie neighbour decides to go across
and welcome the new guy to the region, so he goes next door but on his
way up the drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front
yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these 'Chinese
customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is about
to knock on the front door, he looks through the window and sees the
Chinese man urinate into a glass and then drink it. Not wanting to
interrupt another 'Chinese custom', he decides to put the welcome on
hold for yet another day. A day later he decides to give it one last
go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man leading a bull
down the drive-way, pause, and then put his head next to the bull's
bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the Chinese
man and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with your Chinese customs?
I come over to welcome you to the neighbourhood, and see you running
around the yard after hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass,
and drinking it, and then today you have your head so close to that
bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you no
understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these Australian
Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't
Australian customs.'

'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the Chinese
man,' He say to become true Australian, I learn chase chicks, drink
piss, and listen to bull-shit'

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy.

Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anaesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. 'I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!'

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him:

'I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself.'

'The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood because she had the same procedure done some time ago.'

'And what about the third rose ?' she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burns unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

BREAKING NEWS!!


To save the economy in 2010/11,


The Rudd government will start


Deporting all of the weird old people


In order to lower Old Age Pension and Medical costs.


I started crying - when I thought of you.

RUN, YOU OLD FART, RUN!!!!!

[ozbox]

BREAKING NEWS!!


To save the economy in 2010/11,


The Rudd government will start


Deporting all of the weird old people


In order to lower Old Age Pension and Medical costs.


I started crying - when I thought of you.





RUN, YOU OLD FART, RUN!!!!!

it will be ok sean....as long as i can take my van with me...:weights::weights: