Joke of the day....

[Absinth]

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have a dinner with her parents.


Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door.

"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated.
The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down.


10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'


The boy turns, and whispers back,

'I had no idea your father was a pharmacist.'

[jennie285]

Ver ver funny...

what about this one my father sent me the other day............
A farmer goes to a livestock dealer and buys an anvil, a bucket, two
chickens and a goose.
The farmer looks at his purchases and says, "Damn, I walked here. How am I
gonna carry all this stuff home?

The livestock dealer said, "Why don't you put the anvil in the bucket,
carry
the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose
in your other hand?"

"Hey thanks!" the farmer said, and off he went.

While walking home he met a little old lady who told him she was lost.

She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to Mockingbird Lane?"

The farmer said, "Well, as a matter of fact, I live just down the road
from there. Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in
no time."

The little old lady said, "I'm a lonely widow without a husband to defend
me. How do I know that when we get in the alley, you won't hold me against
the wall, pull up my skirt and ravage me?"

The farmer said, "Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, an anvil, two
chickens and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you against
the wall and do that?"

She replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the anvil
on top of the bucket ..... and I'll hold the chickens.

[Absinth]

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower,when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked infront of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.



Lesson 2:


A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up herleg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said,'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.



Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch whenthey find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas,driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing onthe beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and thelove of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4


An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and donothing?'
The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, afox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:
To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.




Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'butI haven't got the energy.'
'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They'repacked with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of thetree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.


Moral of the story:
Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there..



Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird frozeand fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize howwarm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.
A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung,and promptly dug him out and ate him.


Morals of the story:
(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your
friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep
your mouth shut!


THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

[Gas On]

Gday

Haha... nice ones!

Confucious say..... It is good for boy to meet girl in park, but better for boy to park meet in girl.

Cheers

[Blocker]

ONCE UPON A TIME...

One day, long, long ago, there lived a woman who did not whine, nag, or bitch.

But it was a long time ago, and it was just that one day.

THE END.

[jennie285]

Thats mean.....:yawn:

[Sinbin]

ahah good jokes guys , anyone got any sandman or panelvan jokes ?

[Devils Grip]

A Nurse at a Psycho hospital in Brisbane was doing her rounds, she enters Gary's room and he was sitting in his chair changing geers and steering, in his own little trucking world. She say's, "where u off to today,"
He said " Just coming into Melbourne."
Ok she says and keeps on going on her rounds. When she walks into Dave's room, he is having a wank. She says " What the hell do you think you are doing.?"
He says " Shhhh i'm rooting Gary's missus while he's in Melbourne.