Joke of the Day

[Blocker]

Keep it clean let's say PG rated.


Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.The bouncer said:



"Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai"

[hainzy]

53,000 new zealanders meet in St James Park for a 'kiwis Are Not Stupid' convention.
Alan Shearer addresses the crowd. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that kiwis are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the kiwis start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Ninety?' Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.

But then the 53,000 kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting ' Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'What is 2 plus 2? 'Silence hangs over the stadium.
Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the new zealand crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

[Absinth]

LOL.... yep, and all 53000 of them were wearing velcro gloves and gumboots two sizes too big for them...

[wbute]

Alcohol Issues

A new way to avoid any alcohol issues while driving:

I went out with some friends last night and had too many drinks.

Knowing that I was way over the limit, I did something that I have never done before.
I took a bus home.


I arrived home safe and warm,
which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

[Rico]

I was driving hme the other night after having a few to many VB cans down at the pub. A copper pulls nme over and begins to walk towards the car when a Skyline and a Commodore begin drag racing in the other direction. The cop tells me "get out of the car and wait" as he ran across the road to stop the two drag racers. He's standing there for about half an hour giving the two drivers a through ticking off so I decided to get in the car and drive home.

The next morning there is a knock at the door and I open it to find the Police standing there.
"Mr Smith, they said, could you please verify your wearabouts last night?"
"Sure I said, I was here!"
They replied, "Could we see your car please?"
"Sure I said, Its in me shed"
We went out to the shed to find the Highway Patrol car parked in there, with the lights still flashing.

[Gaddy]

A Drinking Joke
A Mexican, an Arab, and a hot
gorgeous blonde Aussie girl are
in the same bar.


When the Mexican finishes his
beer, he throws his glass in the air
pulls out his pistol, and shoots the
glass to pieces.


He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so
cheap we don't need to drink with the
same one twice.'


The Arab, obviously impressed by this,
Drinks his beer,
Throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47,
And shoots the glass to pieces.




He says,
'In the Arab World,
We have so much sand to make glasses
that we don't need to drink
With the same one twice either.'



The blonde Aussie girl Cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,
Downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 12 bore, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.


Catching her glass, setting it on the bar,
And calling for a refill, she says,

'In Australia we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'



'God Bless Australia

[Gaddy]

After a relaxing bath... Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror. Her frustration over
her lack of ability to lose weight was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.
'God... if you take away my love handles, I'll devote my life to you,' she prayed.

And just like that... her ears fell off.

[Gaddy]

'Bless me Father, for I have sinned.
I have been with a loose girl'.
The priest asks, 'Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?
'Yes, Father, it is.'
'And who was the girl you were with?'
'I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation'.
"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later
so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?
'I cannot say.'
'Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?'
'I'll never tell.'
'Was it Nina Capelli?'
'I'm sorry, but I cannot name her.'
'Was it Cathy Piriano?'
'My lips are sealed.'
'Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?'
'Please, Father, I cannot tell you.'
The priest sighs in frustration.
'You're very tight lipped, and I admire that.
But you've sinned and have to atone.
You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months.
Now you go and behave yourself.'
Joey walks back to his pew,
and his friend Franco slides over and whispers,
'What'd you get?'
'Four months vacation and five good leads.'

[Gaddy]

how many forum members does it take to change a light bulb ?


• 1 to change the light bulb and to post that the light bulb has been changed.
• 14 to share similar experiences of changing light bulbs and how the light bulb could have been changed differently.
• 7 to caution about the dangers of changing light bulbs.
• 1 to move it to the Lighting section.
• 2 to argue then move it to the Electrical section.
• 7 to point out spelling/grammar errors in posts about changing light bulbs.
• 5 to flame the spell checkers.
• 3 to correct spelling/grammar flamers.
• 6 to argue over whether it's "lightbulb" or "light bulb" ...another 6 to condemn the other 6 as stupid.
• 2 industry professionals to inform the group that the proper term is "lamp"
• 15 know-it-alls who claim they were in the industry, and that "light bulb" is perfectly correct.
• 19 to post that this forum is not about light bulbs and to please take this discussion to a lightbulb forum.
• 11 to defend the posting to this forum saying that we all use light bulbs and therefore the posts are relevant to this forum
• 36 to debate which method of changing light bulbs is superior, where to buy the best light bulbs, what brand of light bulbs work best for this technique and what brands are faulty.
• 7 to post URL's where one can see examples of different light bulbs.
• 4 to post that the URL's were posted incorrectly and then post the corrected URL's
• 3 to post about links they found from the URL's that are relevant to this group which makes light bulbs relevant to this group
• 13 to link all posts to date, quote them in their entirety including all headers and signatures, and add "Me too"
• 5 to post to the group that they will no longer post because they cannot handle the light bulb controversy.
• 4 to say "didn't we go through this already a short time ago?"
• 13 to say "do a Google search on light bulbs before posting questions about light bulbs".
• 18 who trip over each other in their rush to say "repost!"
• 1 forum lurker to respond to the original post 6 months from now and start it all over again.

[Gaddy]

Vegetarian - Ancient tribal slang for the village idiot who can't hunt, fish or ride.