Joke of the Day

[Blocker]

Keep it clean let's say PG rated.


Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority so try this one:

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian and an African went to a night club.The bouncer said:



"Sorry, I can’t let you in without a Thai"

[hainzy]

53,000 new zealanders meet in St James Park for a 'kiwis Are Not Stupid' convention.
Alan Shearer addresses the crowd. 'We are all here today to prove to the world that kiwis are not stupid. Can I have a volunteer please?'

Gazza gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the stage. Shearer asks him 'What is 15 plus 15?' After 15 or 20 seconds Gazza says, 'Eighteen!'

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the kiwis start chanting 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer says 'Well since we have a capacity crowd, world-wide press and global broadcast media here, I think we can give him another chance. So he asks 'What is 5 plus 5?' After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, 'Ninety?' Shearer looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh. Everyone is disheartened and Gazza starts crying.

But then the 53,000 kiwis begin to yell and wave their hands shouting ' Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

Shearer, unsure whether he is now doing more harm than good eventually says, 'What is 2 plus 2? 'Silence hangs over the stadium.
Gazza closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, 'Four?'

Pandemonium breaks out throughout the stadium as the new zealand crowd stand to a man, wave their arms, stomp their feet and scream 'Give him another chance! Give him another chance!'

[Absinth]

LOL.... yep, and all 53000 of them were wearing velcro gloves and gumboots two sizes too big for them...

[wbute]

Alcohol Issues

A new way to avoid any alcohol issues while driving:

I went out with some friends last night and had too many drinks.

Knowing that I was way over the limit, I did something that I have never done before.
I took a bus home.


I arrived home safe and warm,
which seemed really surprising as I have never driven a bus before.

[Rico]

I was driving hme the other night after having a few to many VB cans down at the pub. A copper pulls nme over and begins to walk towards the car when a Skyline and a Commodore begin drag racing in the other direction. The cop tells me "get out of the car and wait" as he ran across the road to stop the two drag racers. He's standing there for about half an hour giving the two drivers a through ticking off so I decided to get in the car and drive home.

The next morning there is a knock at the door and I open it to find the Police standing there.
"Mr Smith, they said, could you please verify your wearabouts last night?"
"Sure I said, I was here!"
They replied, "Could we see your car please?"
"Sure I said, Its in me shed"
We went out to the shed to find the Highway Patrol car parked in there, with the lights still flashing.

[Gaddy]

A Drinking Joke
A Mexican, an Arab, and a hot
gorgeous blonde Aussie girl are
in the same bar.


When the Mexican finishes his
beer, he throws his glass in the air
pulls out his pistol, and shoots the
glass to pieces.


He says, 'In Mexico, our glasses are so
cheap we don't need to drink with the
same one twice.'


The Arab, obviously impressed by this,
Drinks his beer,
Throws it into the air, pulls out his AK-47,
And shoots the glass to pieces.




He says,
'In the Arab World,
We have so much sand to make glasses
that we don't need to drink
With the same one twice either.'



The blonde Aussie girl Cool as a cucumber, picks up her beer,
Downs it in one gulp, throws the glass into the air, whips out her 12 bore, and shoots the Mexican and the Arab.


Catching her glass, setting it on the bar,
And calling for a refill, she says,

'In Australia we have so many illegal immigrants that we don't have to drink with the same ones twice.'



'God Bless Australia

[Gaddy]

So Funny! BEST DIVORCE LETTER EVER Dear Wife, I’m writing you this letter to tell you that I’m leaving you forever. I’ve been a good man to you for 7 years & I have nothing to show for it. These last 2 weeks have been hell. ... Your boss called to tell me that you quit your job today & that was the last straw. Last week, you came home & didn’t even notice I had a new haircut, had cooked your favorite meal & even wore a brand new pair of silk boxers. You ate in 2 minutes, & went straight to sleep after watching all of your soaps. You don’t tell me you love me anymore; you don’t want sex or anything that connects us as husband & wife. Either you’re cheating on me or you don’t love me anymore; whatever the case, I’m gone. Your EX-Husband P.S. don’t try to find me. Your SISTER & I are moving away to West Virginia together! Have a great life! —— Dear Ex-Husband Nothing has made my day more than receiving your letter. It’s true you & I have been married for 7 years, although a good man is a far cry from what you’ve been. I watch my soaps so much because they drown out your constant whining & griping Too bad that doesn’t work. I DID notice when you got a hair cut last week, but the 1st thing that came to mind was ‘You look just like a girl!’ Since my mother raised me not to say anything if you can’t say something nice, I didn’t comment. And when you cooked my favorite meal, you must have gotten me confused with MY SISTER, because I stopped eating pork 7 years ago. About those new silk boxers: I turned away from you because the $49.99 price tag was still on them, & I prayed it was a coincidence that my sister had just borrowed $50 from me that morning. After all of this, I still loved you & felt we could work it out. So when I hit the lotto for 10 million dollars, I quit my job & bought us 2 tickets to Jamaica But when I got home you were gone.. Everything happens for a reason, I guess. I hope you have the fulfilling life you always wanted. My lawyer said that the letter you wrote ensures you won’t get a dime from me. So take care. Signed, Your Ex-Wife, Rich As Hell & Free! P.S. I don’t know if I ever told you this, but my sister Carla was born Carl. I hope that’s not a problem.

[HZ EVIE]

I like that one [MENTION=172]Gaddy[/MENTION]

[Gaddy]

Just thought I'd pass on some totally useless, yet amusing trivia about critters:
A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes. (O.M.G.!!!) A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy. I'm still not over the pig.) The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home . What the...?) The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes. Lucky pig! Can you imagine?) The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?) Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (I still can't believe that pig ...quality over quantity.) Butterflies taste with their feet. (Something I always wanted to know.) Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump. (Okay, so that would be a good thing.) A cat's urine glows under a black light. (I wonder how much the government paid to figure that out.) An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that.) Starfish have no brains. (I know some people like that, too.) Polar bears are left-handed. (Talk about a southpaw.) Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (What about that pig? Do the dolphins know about the pig?) Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts. (and God love that pig

[Alien DNA]

Q- Why do midgets laugh when they run?

A- Because the grass tickles their balls!!!!