Joke of the Day

[freemason]

im not saying my wife is a bad cook. just because she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

i hit a stop sign in my car today. left only a small dent. but i don't think the lolly pop lady with be the same

[matt.p]

Hi all. thought u might get a laugh from this
http://mobile.abc.net.au/news/2013-1...a-bank/5174280

[Dick61]

I went to the Doctor for some help with my erectile dysfunction. He gave me some pills that he said were guaranteed to work. I took two of these little pills just before dinner, lo and behold, halfway through dinner and I've got the hots for the missus something chronic. I grabbed hold of the wife, gave her a huge kiss, then we proceeded to make wild passionate love on the dinner table amongst all the plates and glasses and everything. It was wonderful, I haven't been able to perform like that for years. Unfortunately, we've been banned for life from ever going back to that restaurant.

[Gaddy]

Be ready to smile !


Donation

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?'

'It is!'

'This is the Internal Revenue Service. Can you help us?'

'I can!'

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan? '

'I do!'

'Is he a member of your congregation?'

'He is!'

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?'

'He will.'





Confession

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Then why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'





Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.

Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

'I'm 90 years old,' he says.

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'





Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.'

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.'




Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet..

'Who are you?' he asked him..

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator.

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked..

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied.

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'..



Marriage Humour

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.

Wife: 'Nothing ...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'

Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'


**********************************************

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'

Wife: 'Yes or no.'




Stress Reliever

Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'

Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'

Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

************************************************** **

Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'

Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'


************************************************** ******
A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

************************************************** ******``````````````````````````````
A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'





Husbands are Husbands

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan.

'What was that for?' the man asked.

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'..

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week, Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on. The wife apologized and went on with the housework..

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious.

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit him again.

The wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned.'

[Gaddy]

Gotta love copy n paste!!

BAD EXAMPLE


One day two very loving parents got into a huge fight, the man called the women a "bitch" and the women called the man a "bastard".
Their son walked in and said "What does bitch and bastard mean?" and the parents replied "ladies and gentlemen".
The next day the parents decided to have sex, the women said "feel my titties" and the man said "feel my dick".
Their son walked in and asked "What does titties and dick mean?" and the parents replied "hats and coats".
On Thanksgiving the dad was shaving and he cut himself, "Shit" he said, the kid came in and asked "What's that mean" and the man said it was the brand shaving cream he was using.
Down stairs the mom was preparing the turkey, and she cut herself, "Fuck" she said. Once again the kid asked "What's that mean" the mom said that is what she calls stuffing the turkey.
Then the door bell rang. The kid answered the door to his relatives and said "Alright you bitches and bastards, put your dicks and titties in the closet, my dad is upstairs wiping the shit off his face, and my mom is in the kitchen fucking the turkey!

[Gaddy]

Hahahahahah!!!


A young monk arrives at the monastery. He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript. So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this,— pointing out that if someone made even a small error in his copy, it would never be picked up! In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.

The abbot says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point my son."

He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years.

Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot...

Finally, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.

"We missed the R ! We missed the R ! We missed the R !"

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the abbot, "What's wrong, father?"

With A choking voice, the old abbot replies, "The word was...

“CELEBRATE !”

[Gaddy]

I was standing in line at an ATM the other day behind a man with no arms and only one leg. When it was his turn to use the ATM he turned to me and asked if I could check his balance for him. So I pushed him over...

[Gaddy]

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"

[GNW1974]

Adelaide was the hottest city in the world today. Oh great for all us guys in SA it means we have the hottest chicks!

[XX7SANDMN]

boy said dad whats saturated fat? dad replies that would be your mother in the shower