Joke of the Day

[Alien DNA]

A father buys a lie detector robot that slaps people when they lie.

He decides to test it out at dinner that night.

The father asks his son what he did that day.

The son says, "I did some schoolwork."

The robot slaps him.

The son says, "Ok, Ok. I was at a friend's house watching movies."

Dad asks, "What movie did you watch?"

Son says, "Toy Story."

The robot slaps him again.

So he says, "Ok, Ok we were watching porn."

Dad says, "What? At your age I didn't even know what porn was!"

The robot slaps the father.

Mom starts laughing and says, "Well he sure is your son!"

The robot slaps her!

[Alien DNA]

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.

Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there.
They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him,
“As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.”

The husband was sceptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.

After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room.”What happened!?” they cried.

The husband said, “I'm not sure; maybe she choked.”

[Alien DNA]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.
As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a
sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."
Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out
every day and my butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere.

How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"
Clearing his throat, he stammered.... "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming.... that was me."

[Gaddy]

Kinda didnt know where else to put this!!

so i chose here!! mods feel free to relocate if required

Annual Stella Awards

For those unfamiliar with these awards, they are named after
81-year-old Stella Liebeck who spilled hot coffee on herself and
successfully sued the McDonald's in New Mexico, where she purchased
coffee. You remember, she took the lid off the coffee and put it
between her knees while she was driving. Who would ever think one
could get burned doing that, right? That's right; these are awards for
the most outlandish lawsuits and verdicts in the U.S. You know the
kind of cases that make you scratch your head. So keep your head
scratcher handy.

Here are the Stellas for 2012:

* SEVENTH PLACE *

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of
her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was
running inside a furniture store. The store owners were understandably
surprised by the verdict, considering the running toddler was her own son.

Start scratching!

* SIXTH PLACE *

Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical
expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord.
Truman apparently didn't notice there was someone at the wheel of the
car when he was trying to steal his neighbor's hubcaps.

Scratch some more...

* FIFTH PLACE *

Terrence Dickson, of Bristol Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house
he had just burglarized by way of the garage. Unfortunately for
Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could
not get the garage door to open. Worse, he couldn't re-enter the house
because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when
Dickson pulled it shut.
Forced to sit for eight, count 'em, EIGHT days and survive on a case
of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner's
insurance company claiming undue mental anguish. Amazingly, the jury
said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.
We should all have this kind of anguish Keep scratching. There are
more...

Double hand scratching after this one.

* FOURTH PLACE *

Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas garnered 4th Place in the
Stella's when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being
bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor's beagle - even though
the beagle was on a chain in its owner's fenced yard. Williams did not
get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might
have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had
climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with
a pellet gun.

Pick a new spot to scratch, you're getting a bald spot.

* THIRD PLACE *

Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a
Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a
spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone. The reason the soft drink
was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds
earlier during an argument. What ever happened to people being
responsible for their own actions?

Only two more so ease up on the scratching...

*SECOND PLACE*

Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a night club in
a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor,
knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying
to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50
cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her
$12,000....oh, yeah, plus dental expenses. Go figure.

Ok. Here we go!! Drum roll ...

* FIRST PLACE *

This year's runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv
Grazinski of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased new 32-foot
Winnebago motor home.
On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to
the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the
driver's seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a
sandwich not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed
and overturned. Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago
for not putting in the owners manual that she couldn't actually leave
the driver's seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury
awarded her, are you sitting down? $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.
Winnebago actually changed their manuals as a result of this suit,
just in case Mrs. Grazinski has any relatives who might also buy a
motor home.
If you think the court system is out of control and America has lost
ALL common sense, be sure to pass this one on!!!

[Gaddy]

HOW MOSES GOT THE 10 COMMANDMENTS

God went to the Arabs and said,
'I have Commandments for you that will make your lives better.'

The Arabs asked, 'What are Commandments?'
And the Lord said, 'They are rules for living.'

'Can you give us an example?'

'Thou shall not kill.'

'Not kill? We're not interested..'

So He went to the Blacks and said, 'I have Commandments.'

The Blacks wanted an example, and the Lord said,
'Honor thy Father and Mother.'

'Father? We don't know who our fathers are.
We're not interested.'

Then He went to the Mexicans and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The Mexicans also wanted an example, and the Lord said 'Thou shall not steal.'

'Not steal? We're not interested.'

Then He went to the French and said,
'I have Commandments.'

The French too wanted an example and the Lord said, 'Thou shall not commit adultery.'

'Sacre blue!!! Not commit adultery? We're not interested.'

Finally, He went to the Jews and said,
'I have Commandments.'

'Commandments?' They said, 'How much are they?'

'They're free.'

'We'll take 10.'



There, that should offend just about everybody.

[Gaddy]

Cinderella is now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Korky for companionship.

One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.



Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:




'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor.
I'm living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.
Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said,
'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'

The fairy godmother replied,
'It is the least that I can do.
What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said,
'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'
At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more:
'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'
Cinderella looks over to the frightened Korky in the corner and says, 'I wish for you to transform my old cat Korky into a kind and handsome young man.'
Magically, Korky the cat suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.


The fairy godmother said,
'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity,
The fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she appeared.

For a few eerie moments,

Korky and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.
Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Korky walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...
.
.
.
.
.
.


'Bet you're sorry now that you cut my nuts off'

[Alien DNA]

Gaddy...we need to have a drink together mate.....ripper jokes

[HZ EVIE]

Thanks Gaddy, needed a good chuckle today!! Didn't know these jokes were here, must have always missed them. I'll keep an eye out now.

[ABSINTH74HQ]

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling, and him pushing, the little boots still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said,

'Teacher, they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

Unfortunately, it wasn't any easier pulling the boots off, than it was putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced,

'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and scream,

'Why didn't you say so?'

Like she wanted to.

Once again, she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,

'They're my brother's boots. But my Mom made me wear 'em today.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots BACK onto his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked,

'Now, where are your mittens?'

He said,

'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She'll be eligible for parole in three years.

[Gaddy]

I love this one!!!


BANKSTOWN HIGH SCHOOL

CITY OF BANKSTOWN

MATHEMATICS EXAM

NAME ……………………….

GANG ……………………….

Time allowed 1 hour

1. If Mohamed lowers his WRX 2 inches front and back and puts on stolen 18-inch Zepter wheels, how many inches has he originally lost from the stock suspension?

2. If Con needs 3 razors a day to stay clean shaved, how many razors will he need before he goes to the gym at 8.00pm?

3. If Mustaffa runs 10 km from the Police in Lakemba to Punchbowl then steals a car and drives another 5 km to Bankstown, how many kilometres has he travelled if he ends up hiding in Wiley Park?

4. Omar has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an “8 ball” to Hamil for $320.00 and 2 grams to Akhmed for $85.00 per gram, what is the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn’t cut it?

5. If Ahmed receives $200.00 per week disability allowance from Centrelink and works for his brother as a builder and receives a further $400.00 per week and then pays $10.00 per week for each of his 11 children for school, how much money does he have left to buy a smashed Tarago from the auctions?

6. If the average spray can covers 22 square metres and the average letter is 8 square centimetres, how many letters can a tagger spray with 3 cans of paint?

7. If Soula needs 25 mls of wax per day to get rid of her facial hair and Soula is only 19 years old, how many mls will her mother need if she is 47?

8. Mohamed has an AK-47 with 2 x 30 round clips. If he misses 6 out of 10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive-by shooting, how many drive-by shootings can he attend before he has to reload?

9. If Jim changes the oil in his Fish & Chips shop deep fryer every 18 months and this costs him $400.00, how often should he change the oil if he wants to spend only $180.00 per annum on new oil?

10. If Abdo runs a Donor Kebab shop and works as a Taxi driver on weekends and earns $1,200.00 per week, how much does Centrelink give him for his job search allowance?

11. If Bankstown’s ethnic community is increasing at a rate of 3.5% per month, the overall population increasing at 2.1 % per month, at what rate are the Aussies leaving?

12. Nabil wants to cut his 8 ounces of heroin to make a 20% profit, how many ounces of cut will he need?

13. Chang gets $200.00 for stealing a BMW, $150.00 for a Commodore and $100.00 for a Falcon. If he has stolen two BMW’s and three Falcons, how many Commodores will he have to steal to make $1,800.00?

14. If Bilal gets a haircut and gets a number 2 on the sides and a number 3 on top, then goes back 3 weeks later and gets a number 1 all round, how much has his hair grown in 3 weeks? (Assume that his hair grows evenly at a rate of 2 mm per day)

15. Quang is pimping for three girls. If the price is $75.00 for the trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so that Quang can pay for his $200 per day crack habit?

16. If Greg Smith hears the word “yullah” approximately 55 times per hour in Bankstown Square, How many times will he hear the word “mate” in Penrith Plaza, if Bankstown has a population of 85,000 and Penrith has a population of 10,000?

17. If Luigi drives his family and cousins all in one car from Leichardt to Stanmore, how many round trips will he need to make if 40 of his relatives need a lift and he can put 12 people in his Valiant at any one given time?

18. If Ahmed uses 1 kg of “bog” to fix his smashed car, how many cans of spray paint will he need if Bunnings is selling them for $9.00 each and each can has 85 mls and the ambient air temperature averages at 22.5 degrees Celsius?

19. Trinh is in prison for 6 years for murder. He received $10,00.00 for the hit. His common law wife is spending $100.00 per month. How much money will be left when he gets out of prison and how many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his money?

20. If Mario’s dad has his top 3 buttons of his shirt open and reveals 1 x golden cross and 2 other golden ornaments, and has approximately 17 sq cm of hair coming from his chest with an average length of 2 cm, what is the probability that the ornaments will be visible from:

a) 2 feet away …..%
b) 5 feet away …..%
c) 100 feet away …..%

21. If Effie’s mum sells her galaktoboureko for $2.00 per slice and she wants to make an extra 10% profit on each slice, how many sheets of filo pastry will she leave out if the filo pastry costs 62 c a sheet and she normally uses 17 sheets on each tray which she cuts into 16 slices?

22. Hamul has knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hamul knocked up?

23. If George has $12,000.00 and buys 2 smashed cars from the auctions, how much will it cost him to fix them if his friend from school Ahmed is a panel beater and charges him Habib rates of $40.00 per hour?

24. If Layla has to move her eyes 50 degrees to the right when doing her maths HSC exam to see Julie Wilson’s answers, how many degrees will she have to move her head if Michelle, Linda and Lisa are sitting 1 metre apart from Julie?

END OF EXAM