Joke of the Day

[Gaddy]

[Alien DNA]

My sexy neighbour confronted me today about the missing clothes from her clothesline!!
She said she was going to call the police...i nearly shit her pants!!!

[V6HQUTE]

flogged these of another forum, bloody funny

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked
my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for
a little something extra for my wife Julie.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser.

The effects of the taser were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....


WAY TOO COOL!!!!!!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two triple-a batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button.

Nothing!


I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button
AND
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue
arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!


Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new
toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two
triple-a batteries right?!!


There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting
little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I
really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target.


I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second)
and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going
to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did
want some assurance that it would work as advertised.

Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in
one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second
burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was
supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control;
a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on
the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three
seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this
little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in
circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy
triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"


What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my
best...I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ****ed to
one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second
burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I
touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and....
HOLY MOTHER OF GOD,
WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!!!!
I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body
slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again.
I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes,
body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and
tingling in my legs.
The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had
never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do
it again, do it again!"


Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a taser, one
note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when
you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged
from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.
A three-second burst would be considered conservative. SON-OF-A- ...
That hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative
thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat
up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the
mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there??? My triceps,
right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it
had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.
I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for
their safe return.....
Still in shock.!!!



P.S. My wife loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!.
--- Updated ---

#2
We have the standard 6ft. wood privacy fence in the backyard. Years ago, i woke up one morning with my neighbors dog in my yard and our dogs in the neighbors yard. Seems they both dug under from either side and met in the middle.

To make sure this never happened again, i got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the bottom. Actually, i did it pirate style and overkilled it. I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for i think 6 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground round, drove 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key. The more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day im mowing the back yard- cheapo walmart 6hp bigwheel pushmower. The wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I know for a fact that i unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it as to throw it out of the way. It seems as though didnt unplug it.

Now im standing there, ive got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 gigavolt fencewire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover. Time stood still. The first thing i notice is my balls trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and i could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that ****ing Briggs & Stratton rolled over, i could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine. It seems as though the fence charger and the POS lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, piss, and nut at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did i do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement... you know where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just shit your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point im about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fencewire. My hand is wraped around the wire palm down so i cant let go. I grew up on a farm so i know all about electric fences... but dad always had those POS chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled. This i could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point im thinking im going to have to just man up and take it until the lawnmower runs out of gas. "****!" i think as i remember i just filled the tank. Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in shit, piss, jizz and with my balls on my chest i think "oh God please die... pleeeeze die". But no, it settles into the rough lumpy cam ilde nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here i am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard begging God to kill me. No really. I actually asked to God to take me. Yes, im agnostic, but as we all know in times like these the agnostic/atheistic crowd will eventually resort to admitting there is a higher power, and then beg said higher power to do their bidding. God did not take me that day... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly dont know how i got loose from the wire... i woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and i was sunburned. There were two large dead grass spots where i had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot were the wire had layed while i was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume i finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire. Upon waking from my electrically enduced sleep i realized a few things.

1- Three of my teeth seem to have melted

2- I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right ass cheek (not the left, the right)

3- Shit, piss, and semen when all mixed together do not smell as bad as you would think

4- My left eye will not open

5- My right eye will not close

6- The lawnmower runs like a sumnabitch now. Seriously. I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that

7- My balls are still smaller than average yet they are 2ft. long

8- I can turn on the TV in the gameroom by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still dont understand this)



That day changed my life. I now have a newfound respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and i now always check to make sure the fence is unplugged before i mow.

[Gaddy]

Little Johnny heard the word "Brothel" during recess and later asked his father what it meant.
Dad was shocked. "Well, uh, John, that's a place where men go to, uh, to have a good time."
Johnny replied, "I wanna go there. I wanna go there!"
Dad insisted that Johnny was too young.

On Saturday night, when Johnny's dad and some of his friends headed to Mable's for "a good time," Little Johnny secretly followed them.
Once Dad and his buddies had been inside a while, Little Johnny knocked on Mable's front door. She opened the door and was surprised to see a twelve-year-old standing there.

"Yes?" she asked.
"I'm here for a good time!" said Little Johnny.
Since Mable had a heart of gold, she invited him inside, gave him three donuts, and then sent him on his way home.

Johnny took his time going home and arrived well after his dad.
"Johnny, where have you been? It's late!" demanded his father.
"I went to Mabel's Brothel, Daddy!"
Dad went pale.
"You did? Umm, how was it?"
Johnny said, "Well, I managed the first two with no problem, but I could only lick the third one!"




.

[JDT]

Little Johnny was 10 years old wondering around Kings Cross. A copper goes up to him and says "how old are you son?". Little Johnny says "I'm 10" The copper says "what is a 10 year old doing at the Cross?" Little Johnny says "I want the clap" The copper says "why would a 10 year old want the clap?" Johnny says it's easy. You see I'll come here and get the clap, I'll go home and give it to the brothers girl friend, She'll give it to Dad, Dad will give it to Mum and Mum will give it to the Butcher. That's the prick I want, He run over my bike.

[jennie285]

Before sex you help each other get naked, after sex you only dress yourself. Moral of the story is. In life no one helps you once you are f.....ed

[MHT862]

I got home from work the other day to a note on the fridge from the wife it read,

"Its not working im staying at mums for awhile"

I opened the door' beer was cold, buggered if I know what she on about.

[stormbringer]

Whats an Australian kiss
same as a French one
but downunder

[hqgts]

I was walking down the street the other day when I saw my mate Abdul hanging out his 5th story apartment window shaking a carpet... I said hey abdul what, wont it start...

--- Updated ---

I went to an extremley good looking female doctors yesterday for my annual checkup..... She said i have to stop masturbating.... I asked why and she said because im trying to check your pulse

[Gaddy]

A Greek and Italian were sitting in a cafe one day discussing who had the superior culture. Over lattes, the Greek guy says "well, we have the Parthenon". Arching his eyebrows, the Italian replies "we have the Coliseum". The Greek retorts "we Greeks gave birth to advanced mathematics". The Italian, nodding agreement says "but we built the Roman Empire". And so on & so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says, "we invented sex!" The Italian replies "that is true, but it was the Italians who introduced it to women".

--- Updated ---

Choosing a wife


A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money


The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much..


Again, the man is impressed.



The third invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.



Obviously, the man was impressed.



The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with the money he'd given her.


Then he married the one with the biggest tits.


Men are like that, you know..

--- Updated ---

Why Sharks Circle You Before Attacking

Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship. "Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.

"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing." And they did.

"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing." And they did.

"Now we eat everybody." And they did.

When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"

His wise father replied, "Because they taste better without the shit inside!"
Hahahahahahahah!,!!!!!!

--- Updated ---

LOL got a mate called Dave who is a Doctor......


Doctor Dave had slept with one of his patients

And felt guilty all day long. No matter how much

He tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt

And sense of betrayal were overwhelming.


But every now and then he'd hear an internal

Reassuring voice in his head that said:


"Dave, don't worry about it. You aren't the first

Medical practitioner to sleep with one of their
Patients and you won't be the last.

And you're single. Just let it go."


But invariably another voice in his head

Would bring him back to reality.

Whispering.......

Dave..........

Dave ...............

Dave.........

Dave........

..........you're a f*cking vet.

--- Updated ---

An Asian guy walks into the New York City currency exchange with 2000 yen and walks out with $72. Next week he walks in with 2000 yen and gets $66. He asks the lady why he gets less money this week than last week. The lady says "Fluctuations". The Asian guy storms out, and just before slamming the
door, turns around and says: "Fluc you Amelicans too!"

I'm on fire.

--- Updated ---

Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha haha!!!!!!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the
previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried
with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in,
then with her teeth out, still nothing.

She even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between
her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open..'

--- Updated ---

Young girl and her mother are talking.
Girls says " Mummy I know how babies are made"
Mum says " How is that darling"

"well you put Daddy's pee pee in your mouth and suck on it until stuff comes out and goes down to your stomach and it makes babies"

Mum replies " No darling, that's where jewellery comes from"

--- Updated ---

Whitney jokes, bad ones....



What's six inches long and won't be getting sucked on Valentines Day?

Whitney Houston's crack pipe

Nintendo are releasing a new game based on the lives of Amy Winehouse and Whitney Houston.
It's called WiiHab

--- Updated ---

I was having a "discussion" with my sister and she steered the topic towards the pain of childbirth (As usual).

So I went down this route....

Women always say that giving birth is way more painful than a guy
getting kicked in the nuts.

Here is proof that they are wrong.

A year or so after giving birth a woman will often say "it'd be nice to
have
another baby".

You never hear a bloke say " I wouldn't mind another kick in the nuts".

Case closed.

--- Updated ---

Sorry [MENTION=119]ozbox[/MENTION] but this has to be shared.

Radio Quiz




Just rang the radio station to win a car,

all I had to do was answer a question.

"Name the race that stops the nation?"

Thats easy I said,

"Aborigines"

They hung up on me.