Joke of the Day

**mauser** · 07-10-2011, 07:51 PM

There are two sides to every story.

WOMEN -

Two female friends are catching up:

So, how was your evening last night?

- A disaster! After getting home, my dear beloved hubby wolfed down in 4 minutes the dinner that took me all afternoon to prepare, "granted" me 3 minutes of passionate love before rolling over and falling asleep 2 minutes later.

And you?

- Oh, mine was incredible. My hubby was waiting for me to get back home from work. He took me out for a very romantic dinner. We then
walked back home, under an amazing starry sky, along the canal, for a good two hours. Once home, he lit up all the candles we had and
our foreplay lasted for an hour. We then made love for another hour and then we chatted until late. It was wonderful.....

MEN -

Meanwhile, at the pub, the husbands are "networking"...

So, how was your evening last night?

- Great! When I came home, the food was ready. I ate, we shagged and I fell asleep.

And you?

- A nightmare! I came home earlier to fix the kitchen shelf. When I switched on the power drill, the fuse went out.
The whole house went into darkness. Couldn't find the bloody fusebox, so when my better half arrived, I took her out.
It was the only thing to do to avoid getting an earfull... Dinner was so expensive that I couldn't afford the taxi back home, so we had to walk home.
Once there, the house was still in the dark, obviously, so I had to light all these PG13-ing candles to avoid knocking everything down.
I was so wound up that it took me an hour to get it up, and another one to come.
In the end, I was so p!ssed off that it took me ages to fall asleep, while she kept yapping on and on about everything and nothing....

**mckackie** · 07-10-2011, 10:35 PM

The Italian Grandfather

Why Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their guns down through the family?

An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns...How about you leave me your Rolexwatch instead?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man."

"Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "times-up."??

--- Updated ---

Hung Chow calls his work and says, "Hey, I no come wok today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come wok!"
The boss says, "You know something,
Hung Chow, I really need you today.
When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me Sex. That Makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Hung Chow calls again.
"I do what You say and I feel Great. I be at wok soon, by the way,
You got nice house..."

--- Updated ---

Major General Peter Cosgrove
was interviewed on the radio recently.
You'll love his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you gotta love this! This is one of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of an ABC interview between a female broadcaster and General Cosgrove who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting his military headquarters.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
So, General Cosgrove, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery and shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL COSGROVE:
I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper rifle discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER:
But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL COSGROVE:
Well, Ma'am, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but
you're not one, are you?
The radio went silent and the interview ended.

Yeah I know....an oldie but a goodie

**Alien DNA** · 08-10-2011, 01:57 PM

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with "tor" that eat things.

Little Trev says "Alligator" ,"very good thats a big word"

Then Little Jeff says "Predator","Yes thats another big word well done."

Little Johnny goes next and says "Vibrator miss"

After nearly falling off her chair the teacher says "thats a big word, but it doesn't eat anything"

Little johnny says "Well my mum says it eats batteries like there's no tomorrow"

**mauser** · 08-10-2011, 05:23 PM

THE STORK

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss? I think you're getting your birds mixed up 'cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach..!!!

**Alien DNA** · 11-10-2011, 06:25 PM

"Im baffled by your orange vagina" The doctor told his patient. "Does anyone else in your family have this condition?"

The concerned wonan said "No"

"Do you handle any chemicals at work?" asked the doctor

"I dont work" she said

"Well what do you do all day?" asked the doctor

"I watch porn and eat cheezels"

**Alien DNA** · 12-10-2011, 05:01 PM

The misses is pissed off with me again!!

Last night while she was slepping I swapped her tampon with a party popper...... No sense of f@*king humor!!!

**Gaddy** · 13-10-2011, 08:20 PM

I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair, but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing. I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning!

The wife suggested I get myself one of those dick enlargers, so I did.... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.

Went to the pub with my girlfriend last night. Locals were shouting paedophile and other names at me just because my girlfriend is 21 and I'm 50. It completely spoilt our 10th anniversary.

The thing I love most about this hot weather is the short skirts and low cut tops. Although they do make me look a bit gay.

Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the **** Show, a spokesman said "We'll struggle to get another man of the same calibre."

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job. I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

Q: What's the difference between a blond and a brick?
A: The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Remember the 7 qualities for the perfect girlfriend - Beautiful,
Intelligent, Gentle, Thoughtful, Innocent, Trustworthy, Sensible. Or in other words..............
B.I.G.T.I.T.S.

Just been to the gym. They've got a new machine in. Only used it for half an hour as I started to feel sick. It's great though. It does everything - KitKats, Mars Bars, Snickers, Crisps, the lot.."

Question - Are there too many immigrants in Britain ? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said "I am not understanding the question please."

On my Census form there is a question "Do you have any dependants?"
Apparently putting "Hundreds of Africans, Pakis, Somalians, single mums, Romanians, loafers, smack heads and non English speaking people" isn't the right answer. They've sent my form back!

Prince William said he didn't want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he didn't give a toss, he still went.

The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can't afford batteries!

Some mongrel's just pinched a pair of my wife's knickers off the washing line. She's not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 8 pegs back.

**Alien DNA** · 13-10-2011, 10:00 PM

Lmao!! Some crackers in there Gaddy!

So sex between 3 people is called a 'threesome'...
Sex between 2 people is called a 'twosome'...
Now i know why you are called handsome

**HZ EVIE** · 15-10-2011, 11:55 AM

Wife & Hubby sit down to watch TV.
Hubby starts flicking between two channels..The Porn Channel & The Fishing Channel, Porn Channel & Fishing Channel, Fishing Channel & Porn Channel.......
Wife says to Hubby "For Christs sake, just watch the Porn Channel, you already know how to fish !!!!!"

**Alien DNA** · 19-10-2011, 07:30 PM

The girlfriend bought me a new watch for my birthday.

'Do you like it?' she asked

'Its great' I said. 'It will remind me of your vagina'

She laughed 'Is that because its exclusive and sexy?'

I replied 'Nah, its a bit loose around my wrist'

:shifty: