Craig and Danny are sitting watching the State of Origin. When the game finishes Craig’s dog gets up and does a back flip. Danny says, ‘That was amazing!’ Craig says, ‘Yeah he always does that when QLD wins the series.” To which Danny says, “What does he do when NSW wins?” Craig replies, “Dunno, he’s only 6 years old ..”
Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:
"Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
"I am entering" said Snow White.
After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
" First Place ," said Snow White.
They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
"I'm entering," says Superman.
After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
" First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
Pinocchio enters.
After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
"What happened?" they asked.
"Who the hell is Gillard?" asked Pinocchio.
Nearly on the Road
A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually
Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough , because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them
Originally Posted by Gaddy
thats gold!
An A to Z guide of Bogan behavior.
A. ADHD: While the bogan parent is always eager to acquire cheap glory, it
is vehemently unwilling to accept responsibility for the conduct of bogan
junior, despite little Bilynda and Maxxx setting fire to the upholstery in
the formal dining area. Using the same mental shortcut that caused it to
decide that it had a spurious gluten allergy, the bogan will loudly and
arbitrarily announce that its recalcitrant offspring has ADHD. At this
point, the bogan parent feels relieved and reassured that none of this mess
is their fault.
B. Buddhist home furnishings: No longer is the bogan confined to decorating
its home with HSV wall clocks and novelty stubby-holders. What better way
to announce one's entry into the knowledge economy than by purchasing a
Buddhism-themed figurine,
statue or water feature from the garden section of Kmart?
C. Celebrities: The bogan is of the opinion that years of work, skill and
sacrifice aren't really the key things behind success . .
. all that is really required is for the bogan to loudly announce a desire
to be a celebrity.
D. Discount airlines: The bogan is no longer restricted to holidaying
within a five-hour Commodore journey of its nest. But it expects celebrity
service at bargain prices. If the discount flight is 30 minutes late, a
small cluster of bogans can be seen gesticulating maniacally at the service
desk. The bogans' flat nasal yowl reverberates across the departure lounge,
prompting other bogans to begin howling like a neighbourhood of cross-eyed
dogs. Due to incidents such as this, the Bali to Brisbane Jetstar flight on
Sunday afternoons has come to be known as the ''bogan bus''.
E. Enormous prams: Mumma Hummers, as they are affectionately known, are the
armoured tanks of the baby transport world. These giant infant carriers
ruthlessly dominate every footpath, zebra crossing and food court aisle
that they happen to rumble across. For while the bogan mother is walking a
child instead of a pit bull, she desires to intimidate all the same.
F. Franchises: The bogan has standards - standards that can only be met
when the front of the shop has a familiar logo that the bogan has seen in
other suburbs and towns too. For while each bogan is a unique snowflake,
franchises allow them to be as precisely unique as each other.
G. Going to work in the mines: While in a remote area of Western Australia,
the bogan will ply his modest skill set, earning in excess of $500 a day.
This financial windfall opens the glittering door to hyper-bogan
consumption. Within months, he is playing GTA on his new 125-inch full HD,
3D, LED TV, ripping doughnuts in his shiny Chevrolet ute and drinking
phenomenal amounts of locally-brewed Stella Artois.
H. Hot Asian Chicks: If the illegal fishing boats full of Afghani
immigrants that wash up on Ashmore Reef were full of hot Asian chicks . . .
hordes of bogans would be strapping long-range fuel tanks and floral
bouquets on to their jet-skis and trying to intercept the vessels
themselves.
I. Interest-free, no-deposit: Maintaining an appropriately fashionable
abode with massive TV screen and loud home-theatre system is an expensive
task. Thankfully, the proprietors of equally massive retailers such as
Harvey Norman saw a hole in the market. So now,
Bogan dreams can be fulfilled, by getting free stuff. Sure, they had to
sign a few forms before being allowed to leave, but so what?
J. Joining the army (not): Perhaps the most devoted bogan love is talking
about joining the army. For there is nothing conceivably more maxtreme than
talking about shooting an xtreme gun, in xtreme temperatures, in countries
and terrain that it is xtremely unaware of . . . once its back recovers.
K. Kids' names: Rather than actually bestowing their newborn with a
genuinely one-of-a-kind name - or at least uncommon one - the bogan merely
takes a common one, then misspells it. Ever met a Hayleigh? A Breeyanah? A
Kayleb? These kids will be spelling out their names to all and sundry for
the next 80 years.
L. Literally: As in ''It was so hot yesterday, I was literally on fire'' or
''I literally died crossing the road this morning''.
M. McMansions: The average size of new homes in Australia grew by 40 per
cent between 1985 and 2003 as the bogan became aware that it ''deserved'' a
formal living area, a rumpus room, a parents' retreat, an en-suite, a
study, a formal lounge and a large void near the stairs. A home that, at
first glance, looked reminiscent of a celebrity home.
N. Number plates: Because the bogan has more personality than the rest of
us, it requires more canvases upon which to portray its traits. One of
these is the lower back, but another important one is the number plate of
the bogan's car. The message usually refers to the car's ability to attain
speed, or the alleged importance or desirability of its owner.
O. Overseas travel: Thailand is close enough for the bogan to leave its
nest at dawn, read the latest movie adapted to a novel, or watch Anchorman
and land in time to be slurping from a bucket by evening. Safely ensconced
in a Phuket tourist resort or
Australian-themed bar, the bogan can drink near-toxic amounts of cheap
beer, get bronzed, eat spring rolls, adorn itself with braids, tramp stamps
or tribal tattoos, and watch Anchorman again.
P. Patriotism: To the bogan, buying Aussie-made is the retail equivalent of
wearing a flag cape and punching on at the Big Day Out totally maxtreme
true blue. In the tradition of co-opting symbols it doesn't fully
understand, the bogan tatt du jour is the
Southern Cross, or ''Aussie Swazie''. The bogan believes Australia has a
monopoly over a constellation that is visible from about 50 other countries
the bogan has never heard of.
Q. The Qur'an (or Koran): The bogan will tell people that the Qur'an binds
all Muslims to a thing called ''Shania's Law'' which compels them to spread
chaos and oppression throughout the globe. This, the bogan believes, has
all been in order to attain maxtreme quantities of virgins in the afterlife
and it is highly suspicious as it wants its virgins right away.
R. Reality TV: Some analysts thought reality TV would be a brief fad but
they failed to understand the bogan's bottomless need for validation and
glitz. And because it's bogan versus bogan, the bogan always wins.
S. Self-help books: Bogans love shortcuts, be they get-rich-quick schemes,
examining a limited number of habits of ''highly effective'' individuals,
or simply seeking an effortless strategy to living superbly. This makes the
bogan a prime culprit for the burgeoning self-help publishing industry and
intellectual cretins/life coaches/gurus who model themselves on Anthony
Robbins.
T. Tans: Many bogans turned to tanning lounges in the 1990s but the message
of young melanoma victim Clare Oliver got through to many. The shift in
bronzing tastes coincided with a proliferation of spray tans, creams and
lotions. These come with the promise of transforming pale bogans into the
colour of ''ethnic'' people they do not like. This oddly contradictory
aspirational racism is rarely effective, though, with the bogan ending up a
blotchy shade of orange.
U. Underbelly: It had crime, it had violence, it had drug use, it was based
on some semblance of fact, it was on commercial TV and it was absolutely
loaded to the brim with heavily stylised semi-explicit s*x scenes and
exposed breasts. It was, in short, the televisual equivalent of bogan
heaven.
V. Vampires: The female bogan desires nothing so much as xtreme romance.
While she often tells her disapproving friends that despite the tribal
tatts and glass-induced facial scarring, her man is ''a real sweetie
underneath'', the vampire is a representation of the fantasy that her
muscle-bound neolith can't live up to.
W. WAGS: There is a celebrity that appeals even more greatly to the bogan
than the footballer or cricketer: Their girlfriend. The femme-bogue decides
that becoming a WAG is her calling; her destiny. This results in weekly
pilgrimages to weekend haunts known for containing athletes, where the
femme-bogues stalk their prey with a single-minded, ruthless determination.
By the end of the night,
the female bogan has passed out in a tangle of arms, legs, sequins and
shame.
X. Xmas sales: The bogans surge, foaming at the mouth and desperately
snatching any item within a two-metre radius of a sign saying
''(up to) 70 per cent off''. Skinny bogans wriggle between the fat ones,
tall ones reach over the top, and the fat ones jut their ample rumps
outwards to create a quivering exclusion zone around the precious
discounts.
Y. Your favourite bar: Once content with glassings and gropings to a Top 40
remix soundtrack at high capacity beer barns, the bogan now has an inkling
that it is missing out on something. The bogan will learn of the
non-bogan's favourite bar when the trashmedia report that an actor from
Underbelly went there once.
Z. Zoo Weekly: Having initially conceded to his girlfriend's refusal to
have the magazine in the house, the bogan was sent to the
7-Eleven to purchase a Diet Coke. At the fridge, the male bogan spied the
promotional placard: ''500ml can of Mother and copy of Zoo
Weekly for only $6.'' His relationship was doomed.
Now that is too good playwme!
I think this will pass the PG13 Rating!!
Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up andsees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees thelittle Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The bigguy says, 'What's wrong with you?'In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me ...
I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
The little white Irishman says:
'Turner Brown??....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!!'
A little american but you will get the gist!
No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,
WE ARE AWESOME !!!
OUR Lives are LIVING PROOF !!!
To Those of Us Born
1925 - 1970 :
At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno. If you don't read anything else, please
read what he said.
Very well stated, Mr. Leno.
~~~~~~~~~
TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!
First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank
while they were pregnant.
They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.
Then, after that trauma, we were
put to sleep on our tummies
in baby cribs covered
with bright colored lead-based paints.
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets,
and, when we rode our bikes,
we had baseball caps,
not helmets, on our heads.
As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes..
Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.
We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.
We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight.
WHY?
Because we were always outside playing...that's why!
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
No one was able to reach us all day.
--And, we were OKAY.
We would spend hours building
our go-carts out of scraps
and then ride them down the hill,
only to find out we forgot the brakes.. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem..
We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo’s and X-boxes. There were
no video games, no 150 channels on cable,
no video movies or DVDs,
no surround-sound or CDs,
no cell phones,
no personal computers,
no Internet and no chat rooms.
WE HAD FRIENDS
and we went outside and found them!
We fell out of trees, got cut,
broke bones and teeth,
and there were no lawsuits
from those accidents.
We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse..
We ate worms, and mud pies
made from dirt, and
the worms did not live in us forever.
We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and
-although we were told it would happen- we did not put out very many eyes.
We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.
Little League had tryouts
and not everyone made the team.
Those who didn't had to learn
to deal with disappointment.
Imagine that!!
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!
These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers,
problem solvers, and inventors ever.
The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas..
We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.
If YOU are one of those born
between 1925-1970, CONGRATULATIONS!
You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.
While you are at it, forward it to your kids, so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.
Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
~~~~~~~
The quote of the month
by
Jay Leno:
"With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"
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