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Thread: Joke of the Day

  1. #11
    Sandman Driver Gaddy's Avatar
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    Craig and Danny are sitting watching the State of Origin. When the game finishes Craig’s dog gets up and does a back flip. Danny says, ‘That was amazing!’ Craig says, ‘Yeah he always does that when QLD wins the series.” To which Danny says, “What does he do when NSW wins?” Craig replies, “Dunno, he’s only 6 years old ..”

  2. #12
    Cruiser GNW1974's Avatar
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    Pinocchio, Snow White, and Superman are out for a stroll in town one day. As they walk, they come across a sign:
    "Beauty contest for the most beautiful woman in the world."
    "I am entering" said Snow White.
    After half an hour she comes out and they ask her, "Well, how'd ya do?"
    " First Place ," said Snow White.
    They continue walking and they see a sign: "Contest for the strongest man in the world."
    "I'm entering," says Superman.
    After half an hour he returns and they ask him, "How did you make out?"
    " First Place ," answers Superman. "Did you ever doubt?"
    They continue walking when they see a sign: "Contest! Who is the greatest liar in the world?"
    Pinocchio enters.
    After half an hour he returns with tears in his eyes.
    "What happened?" they asked.


    "Who the hell is Gillard?" asked Pinocchio.
    Nearly on the Road

  3. #13
    Sandman Driver Gaddy's Avatar
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    A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said 'don't worry fatty, you're bound to lose it eventually

  4. #14
    Sandman Driver Gaddy's Avatar
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    Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough , because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them

  5. #15
    Cruiser HQGTSbrad's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Gaddy View Post
    Apple announced today that it has developed a breast implant that can store and play music. The iTit will cost from $499 to $699, depending on cup and speaker size. This is considered a major social breakthrough , because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts, and not listening to them

    thats gold!

  6. #16
    It's a rockin' playwme's Avatar
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    An A to Z guide of Bogan behavior.


    A. ADHD: While the bogan parent is always eager to acquire cheap glory, it
    is vehemently unwilling to accept responsibility for the conduct of bogan
    junior, despite little Bilynda and Maxxx setting fire to the upholstery in
    the formal dining area. Using the same mental shortcut that caused it to
    decide that it had a spurious gluten allergy, the bogan will loudly and
    arbitrarily announce that its recalcitrant offspring has ADHD. At this
    point, the bogan parent feels relieved and reassured that none of this mess
    is their fault.

    B. Buddhist home furnishings: No longer is the bogan confined to decorating
    its home with HSV wall clocks and novelty stubby-holders. What better way
    to announce one's entry into the knowledge economy than by purchasing a
    Buddhism-themed figurine,
    statue or water feature from the garden section of Kmart?

    C. Celebrities: The bogan is of the opinion that years of work, skill and
    sacrifice aren't really the key things behind success . .
    . all that is really required is for the bogan to loudly announce a desire
    to be a celebrity.

    D. Discount airlines: The bogan is no longer restricted to holidaying
    within a five-hour Commodore journey of its nest. But it expects celebrity
    service at bargain prices. If the discount flight is 30 minutes late, a
    small cluster of bogans can be seen gesticulating maniacally at the service
    desk. The bogans' flat nasal yowl reverberates across the departure lounge,
    prompting other bogans to begin howling like a neighbourhood of cross-eyed
    dogs. Due to incidents such as this, the Bali to Brisbane Jetstar flight on
    Sunday afternoons has come to be known as the ''bogan bus''.

    E. Enormous prams: Mumma Hummers, as they are affectionately known, are the
    armoured tanks of the baby transport world. These giant infant carriers
    ruthlessly dominate every footpath, zebra crossing and food court aisle
    that they happen to rumble across. For while the bogan mother is walking a
    child instead of a pit bull, she desires to intimidate all the same.

    F. Franchises: The bogan has standards - standards that can only be met
    when the front of the shop has a familiar logo that the bogan has seen in
    other suburbs and towns too. For while each bogan is a unique snowflake,
    franchises allow them to be as precisely unique as each other.

    G. Going to work in the mines: While in a remote area of Western Australia,
    the bogan will ply his modest skill set, earning in excess of $500 a day.
    This financial windfall opens the glittering door to hyper-bogan
    consumption. Within months, he is playing GTA on his new 125-inch full HD,
    3D, LED TV, ripping doughnuts in his shiny Chevrolet ute and drinking
    phenomenal amounts of locally-brewed Stella Artois.

    H. Hot Asian Chicks: If the illegal fishing boats full of Afghani
    immigrants that wash up on Ashmore Reef were full of hot Asian chicks . . .
    hordes of bogans would be strapping long-range fuel tanks and floral
    bouquets on to their jet-skis and trying to intercept the vessels
    themselves.

    I. Interest-free, no-deposit: Maintaining an appropriately fashionable
    abode with massive TV screen and loud home-theatre system is an expensive
    task. Thankfully, the proprietors of equally massive retailers such as
    Harvey Norman saw a hole in the market. So now,
    Bogan dreams can be fulfilled, by getting free stuff. Sure, they had to
    sign a few forms before being allowed to leave, but so what?

    J. Joining the army (not): Perhaps the most devoted bogan love is talking
    about joining the army. For there is nothing conceivably more maxtreme than
    talking about shooting an xtreme gun, in xtreme temperatures, in countries
    and terrain that it is xtremely unaware of . . . once its back recovers.

    K. Kids' names: Rather than actually bestowing their newborn with a
    genuinely one-of-a-kind name - or at least uncommon one - the bogan merely
    takes a common one, then misspells it. Ever met a Hayleigh? A Breeyanah? A
    Kayleb? These kids will be spelling out their names to all and sundry for
    the next 80 years.

    L. Literally: As in ''It was so hot yesterday, I was literally on fire'' or
    ''I literally died crossing the road this morning''.

    M. McMansions: The average size of new homes in Australia grew by 40 per
    cent between 1985 and 2003 as the bogan became aware that it ''deserved'' a
    formal living area, a rumpus room, a parents' retreat, an en-suite, a
    study, a formal lounge and a large void near the stairs. A home that, at
    first glance, looked reminiscent of a celebrity home.

    N. Number plates: Because the bogan has more personality than the rest of
    us, it requires more canvases upon which to portray its traits. One of
    these is the lower back, but another important one is the number plate of
    the bogan's car. The message usually refers to the car's ability to attain
    speed, or the alleged importance or desirability of its owner.

    O. Overseas travel: Thailand is close enough for the bogan to leave its
    nest at dawn, read the latest movie adapted to a novel, or watch Anchorman
    and land in time to be slurping from a bucket by evening. Safely ensconced
    in a Phuket tourist resort or
    Australian-themed bar, the bogan can drink near-toxic amounts of cheap
    beer, get bronzed, eat spring rolls, adorn itself with braids, tramp stamps
    or tribal tattoos, and watch Anchorman again.

    P. Patriotism: To the bogan, buying Aussie-made is the retail equivalent of
    wearing a flag cape and punching on at the Big Day Out totally maxtreme
    true blue. In the tradition of co-opting symbols it doesn't fully
    understand, the bogan tatt du jour is the
    Southern Cross, or ''Aussie Swazie''. The bogan believes Australia has a
    monopoly over a constellation that is visible from about 50 other countries
    the bogan has never heard of.

    Q. The Qur'an (or Koran): The bogan will tell people that the Qur'an binds
    all Muslims to a thing called ''Shania's Law'' which compels them to spread
    chaos and oppression throughout the globe. This, the bogan believes, has
    all been in order to attain maxtreme quantities of virgins in the afterlife
    and it is highly suspicious as it wants its virgins right away.

    R. Reality TV: Some analysts thought reality TV would be a brief fad but
    they failed to understand the bogan's bottomless need for validation and
    glitz. And because it's bogan versus bogan, the bogan always wins.

    S. Self-help books: Bogans love shortcuts, be they get-rich-quick schemes,
    examining a limited number of habits of ''highly effective'' individuals,
    or simply seeking an effortless strategy to living superbly. This makes the
    bogan a prime culprit for the burgeoning self-help publishing industry and
    intellectual cretins/life coaches/gurus who model themselves on Anthony
    Robbins.

    T. Tans: Many bogans turned to tanning lounges in the 1990s but the message
    of young melanoma victim Clare Oliver got through to many. The shift in
    bronzing tastes coincided with a proliferation of spray tans, creams and
    lotions. These come with the promise of transforming pale bogans into the
    colour of ''ethnic'' people they do not like. This oddly contradictory
    aspirational racism is rarely effective, though, with the bogan ending up a
    blotchy shade of orange.

    U. Underbelly: It had crime, it had violence, it had drug use, it was based
    on some semblance of fact, it was on commercial TV and it was absolutely
    loaded to the brim with heavily stylised semi-explicit s*x scenes and
    exposed breasts. It was, in short, the televisual equivalent of bogan
    heaven.

    V. Vampires: The female bogan desires nothing so much as xtreme romance.
    While she often tells her disapproving friends that despite the tribal
    tatts and glass-induced facial scarring, her man is ''a real sweetie
    underneath'', the vampire is a representation of the fantasy that her
    muscle-bound neolith can't live up to.

    W. WAGS: There is a celebrity that appeals even more greatly to the bogan
    than the footballer or cricketer: Their girlfriend. The femme-bogue decides
    that becoming a WAG is her calling; her destiny. This results in weekly
    pilgrimages to weekend haunts known for containing athletes, where the
    femme-bogues stalk their prey with a single-minded, ruthless determination.
    By the end of the night,
    the female bogan has passed out in a tangle of arms, legs, sequins and
    shame.

    X. Xmas sales: The bogans surge, foaming at the mouth and desperately
    snatching any item within a two-metre radius of a sign saying
    ''(up to) 70 per cent off''. Skinny bogans wriggle between the fat ones,
    tall ones reach over the top, and the fat ones jut their ample rumps
    outwards to create a quivering exclusion zone around the precious
    discounts.

    Y. Your favourite bar: Once content with glassings and gropings to a Top 40
    remix soundtrack at high capacity beer barns, the bogan now has an inkling
    that it is missing out on something. The bogan will learn of the
    non-bogan's favourite bar when the trashmedia report that an actor from
    Underbelly went there once.

    Z. Zoo Weekly: Having initially conceded to his girlfriend's refusal to
    have the magazine in the house, the bogan was sent to the
    7-Eleven to purchase a Diet Coke. At the fridge, the male bogan spied the
    promotional placard: ''500ml can of Mother and copy of Zoo
    Weekly for only $6.'' His relationship was doomed.

  7. #17
    Sandman Driver Gaddy's Avatar
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    Now that is too good playwme!

  8. #18
    Sandman Driver Gaddy's Avatar
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    I think this will pass the PG13 Rating!!


    Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up andsees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.
    The big guy sees thelittle Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: '7 feet tall, 350pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown.'
    The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.
    The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
    The bigguy says, 'What's wrong with you?'In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What EXACTLY did you say to me?'
    The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me ...
    I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'
    The little white Irishman says:
    'Turner Brown??....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, 'Turn around!!'

  9. #19
    Certifiable ozbox's Avatar
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  10. #20
    Sandman Driver Gaddy's Avatar
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    A little american but you will get the gist!

    No matter what our kids and the new generation think about us,
    WE ARE AWESOME !!!
    OUR Lives are LIVING PROOF !!!
    To Those of Us Born
    1925 - 1970 :
    At the end of this email is a quote of the month by Jay Leno. If you don't read anything else, please
    read what he said.


    Very well stated, Mr. Leno.
    ~~~~~~~~~
    TO ALL THE KIDS WHO SURVIVED THE
    1930s, '40s, '50s, '60s and '70s!!


    First, we survived being born to mothers who may have smoked and/or drank
    while they were pregnant.


    They took aspirin, ate blue cheese dressing, tuna from a can, and didn't get tested for diabetes.


    Then, after that trauma, we were
    put to sleep on our tummies
    in baby cribs covered
    with bright colored lead-based paints.


    We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, locks on doors or cabinets,
    and, when we rode our bikes,
    we had baseball caps,
    not helmets, on our heads.




    As infants and children, we would ride in cars with no car seats, no booster seats, no seat belts, no air bags, bald tires and sometimes no brakes..




    Riding in the back of a pick- up truck on a warm day was always a special treat.


    We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle.




    We shared one soft drink with four friends, from one bottle, and no one actually died from this.




    We ate cupcakes, white bread, real butter, and bacon. We drank Kool-Aid made with real white sugar. And we weren't overweight.
    WHY?


    Because we were always outside playing...that's why!


    We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as we were back when the streetlights came on.
    No one was able to reach us all day.
    --And, we were OKAY.


    We would spend hours building
    our go-carts out of scraps
    and then ride them down the hill,
    only to find out we forgot the brakes.. After running into the bushes a few times, we learned to solve the problem..


    We did not have Play Stations, Nintendo’s and X-boxes. There were
    no video games, no 150 channels on cable,
    no video movies or DVDs,
    no surround-sound or CDs,
    no cell phones,
    no personal computers,
    no Internet and no chat rooms.


    WE HAD FRIENDS
    and we went outside and found them!


    We fell out of trees, got cut,
    broke bones and teeth,
    and there were no lawsuits
    from those accidents.

    We would get spankings with wooden spoons, switches, ping-pong paddles, or just a bare hand, and no one would call child services to report abuse..

    We ate worms, and mud pies
    made from dirt, and
    the worms did not live in us forever.



    We were given BB guns for our 10th birthdays, made up games with sticks and tennis balls, and
    -although we were told it would happen- we did not put out very many eyes.

    We rode bikes or walked to a friend's house and knocked on the door or rang the bell, or just walked in and talked to them.


    Little League had tryouts
    and not everyone made the team.
    Those who didn't had to learn
    to deal with disappointment.
    Imagine that!!
    The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke the law was unheard of. They actually sided with the law!




    These generations have produced some of the best risk-takers,
    problem solvers, and inventors ever.


    The past 50 to 85 years have seen an explosion of innovation and new ideas..


    We had freedom, failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal with it all.


    If YOU are one of those born
    between 1925-1970, CONGRATULATIONS!


    You might want to share this with others who have had the luck to grow up as kids before the lawyers and the government regulated so much of our lives for our own good.


    While you are at it, forward it to your kids, so they will know how brave and lucky their parents were.


    Kind of makes you want to run through the house with scissors, doesn't it ?
    ~~~~~~~
    The quote of the month
    by
    Jay Leno:

    "With hurricanes, tornadoes, fires out of control, mud slides, flooding, severe thunderstorms tearing up the country from one end to another, and with the threat of bird flu and terrorist attacks, are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

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